Thursday November 23, 2006
From the mouths of babes
Posted by kinch on 11/23/2006 02:33 PM
(2 ratings )
I used to think these weren’t real, until I had kids of my own…
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in
Sunday school quizzes by children between fifth and 6th grade ages. They
were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read
carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, misinformation and, of
course, spelling!
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is
such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached
Canada but the commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an
actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was
sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which
is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV
now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying,
he gasped out: “Same to you, Brutus.”
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for
reasons I don’t really understand. The English and French still have
problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah!” and that
was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes
and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which
was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in Italy.
Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having
none of that that I’m sure. You know how Italian fathers are.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Ervantes. He wrote
DonkeyHote.
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since
then no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also
declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” He was a
naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot
in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe
the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This
ruined Booth’s career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the
most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half
German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he
wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don’t know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It
was very long, people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was
really true. He sort of said God’s days were not just 24 hours but
without watches who knew anyhow? I don’t get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she
did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn’t get to
find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.
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